Sticking Up Joan Rivers

The evening news kills me.

They’re so casual with the racism it’s like they’re daring you to notice.

A newscast will start out like, “Three high school graduates were shot to death. Police think it was gang related. And now a story that will really disturb you. Another cat was found mutilated in the forest. Lets go to our reporter on the scene for more information on this tragedy.”

Is it just me or does the news have a sympathy hierarchy? The list probably goes like white baby girl, white baby boy, white child, white elderly, white teen, white woman, white man, dog, cat, zoo animal, whale, bird, tree, white person’s car and if they’ve got lag time, colored people.

A black woman could be giving away free books to the kids and the news will be hyping up Shark Week. There’s nothing that says moving forward like celebrating an animal that would love nothing more than to bite your knee off.

Also, you notice how any time a person of color gets shot or stabbed it’s always “gang related”? A man could be laying dead with a sticky note on him saying,”I shot him because he banged my sister. P.S. I’m from Switzerland.” If the victim is black you can best believe the gang enforcement unit is coming. For all I know the Klan’s probably doing drive by shootings and leaving Popeye’s boxes at the scene. Really, who’s gonna investigate?

Even when the news has to correct itself they hide it. You’ll find some tiny story buried on its website saying, “Shooting on Sunday wasn’t gang related.” It won’t even have an actual story. It’ll just be that headline.

Just one time I’d like to see a newscast start out, “Breaking news. Last night we said the first thing on our minds and misreported a gang related shooting in downtown Portland. Our bad. That was racist and we’ll try to be more slick about it next time.”

The other thing that’s funny about the news is all the security camera stories. They should make it like a game show and call it, “Hungry People Do the Most Scandalous Things.”

The worst one is when people get caught on camera robbing the elderly. You’d think jacking old ladies would be played out by now.

Can you imagine going back to the pad, trying to brag to your boys after you just stuck up some old woman?

You walk in talking about, “I just hit a fat lick.”

Your boy is like, “Really because we just saw you on the 10 o’clock news sticking up Joan Rivers. Don’t worry, we tivoed it. Been on repeat all night. For real though, what are we gonna do with a medicare card? Is this like a come-up on layaway?”

I wish the news would get a drive by on the security cam.

“Breaking news. We have footage of a gang related drive by shooting in South East Portland. In the video it appears the assailants have stolen a police car and police uniforms. These thugs even took the time to drive back to the scene, interestingly enough with boxes of Popeye’s chicken, and threw biscuit crumbs on the bodies. If you have any tips you can contact our tip line. In the meantime, the police will grab the first black man they find.”

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